I need a vacation

Monday morning again....and here I sit, looking out the window at snow on the ground (in May) and I'm wondering how things got to be this way.  The kids are doing well, the house is fine, but I just feel empty.  I don't want to go to work, I don't want to come home...I need to get out of here and disappear for a while....I should be happy, I deserve to be happy.  I'm a good person but karma sure isn't working out for me.  But off I trod, working another day for a paycheque that doesn't begin to cover the bills. It's time to start thinking about my future, but right now I can't even see it, 

Almost a year later, tomorrow didn't work out the way I thought.

Well, I wrote that almost a year ago, since then I've taken my son to Amsterdam, broken up with my boyfriend TWICE, and generally become a very unhappy person.  Since this is private and I have no intention of telling anyone how to find this I'll use it as a diary, a way to get out my feelings without going on the dreaded facebook or twitter.  I never thought I could be so unhappy.  My life is a neverending cycle of disappointments and do-overs.  I have been let down, stomped on and kicked in the face one too many times.  My future looks bleak.  The kids are growing up, one has already moved on, and the other two will surely follow in the next couple of years, and then what?  Shall I become the crazy cat lady?  Will I ever find love again.  It's looking doubtful, I have too much responsibility with my kids to even bother going out, and where the hell would I meet someone who wants to take on a household of teenagers who are still, after 4 1/2 years dealing with the loss of their father.  It's not a good day, but nobody out there would know it.  I've become the master of hiding my feelings and not one person in my life has any idea just how miserable I really am.

May 11, 2012

Where to begin....tomorrow!